The Rabbit Was Too Big
by Awdures
Summary: Tony is trying to do better at Pepper's Christmas present this year. He needs help...


**The Rabbit Was Too Big**

Maria Hill stared at him as though he'd made some sort of indecent proposition and Tony fought the unreasonable urge to back off a step. She routinely went armed after all.

Eventually she spoke.

"Last time I checked, Stark, I was employed in a logistics and tactics capacity, not as a personal shopper. And even at that I've got ten minutes before I go off duty."

"I know." Tony held out the coffee he'd brought her, hoping to win at least a few minutes grace. "Think of it as logistics? Please? Just... a pointer? Something? I really need help here."

He tried a smile, hoping he wasn't sounding as faux-plaintive as he suspected he might, because he really _did_ need help.

"Can you at least take this off me so I can drink mine?" He raised the coffee cup another half inch.

After a moment, Hill took it, eyeing him suspiciously.

"You really haven't got Pepper a Christmas present yet? Leaving it a bit late aren't you? You realise it's tomorrow?"

"Why do you think I'm asking for help?" Tony tried to keep the panic out of his voice.

"From the first random woman you saw still in the building?"

"Yes!" He winced. "I mean no. Sorry. I'm kinda short on options here." He took a gulp of his coffee before he could say anything even less helpful.

Hill surveyed him.

"Don't tell me _you've_ never bought a girl a present before?"

"Stupid flashy things." Tony waved his cup, splashing hot coffee over his knuckles. "Pepper's not... I don't..." He slumped. "Forget it. I'll try to think of something."

Hill sipped her own coffee then looked down at it, her expression softening briefly.

"Stark."

Tony paused, about to turn away.

"It's good coffee. You've got it down pat how everyone takes it."

Tony shrugged. "Being a genius has to be good for something, right?"

Hill shook her head. "It's not a genius thing. It's a paying attention thing. Try that."

Tony frowned at her but he'd pushed his luck far enough and nodded instead of asking for further detail.

"Yeah." He wandered away, leaving Hill to continue her interrupted 'logistics and tactics'. "Sure."

 _Pay attention._ Well he had to take that one on the nose, Hill was far from the first to chide him for not paying enough attention to Pepper and he had no defence. No resolution to the fact that he found paying attention to her safety to be in active competition for his time paying attention to _her_.

Without thought he found himself having trailed back to the coffee machine in the communal area between the labs and exercise areas. He poured another cup and thought about just giving up and going to the workshop. Perhaps inspiration would strike when he was thinking about something else entirely.

 _Pay attention_.

He racked his brains for any hints Pepper may have dropped, wishing he could replay his memory as easily as his computers could theirs. He paused, coffee cup halfway to his mouth.

"FRIDAY?"

"Boss?"

"Check security audio recordings here and at home. Reference by voice recognition: Pepper Potts. Search for indication of objects or items of interest or to be acquired."

There wasn't even a moment's pause.

"One relevant recording found."

"Really?" Tony smiled. "I was _not_ expecting that to work. Play."

"Recording was dictated to my predecessor, JARVIS, by Ms Potts some time ago in the event of such a request. Audio follows."

Pepper's voice came over the speakers.

" _I swear Tony if you're using that AI to spy on me and we're_ _ **not**_ _being kidnapped by maniacs, you can cut it out right now. It's creepy and I'd better not catch you at it."_

Tony's face fell.

"Oh," he murmured. "Well that's succinct."

"What is?"

Tony startled, spilling his second cup of coffee over already scalded knuckles.

"Romanoff! Can you even come into a room without skulking?"

She stared at him. "I was walking. You're the one who looks caught in the act. Something the rest of us should know about?" She paused. "This time?"

Tony winced. "It's nothing."

" _This time?_ " she repeated.

Tony scowled at her, but couldn't argue in the face of such admittedly well-earned suspicion.

"I don't know what to get Pepper for Christmas, okay?"

It was almost worth the embarrassment to see the sheer dumbfounded look on Romanoff's face.

"And you were asking _FRIDAY_ for advice?"

For a moment Tony wondered how long she' been there, how much of the conversation she'd overheard, but, perhaps he was okay. There was no one else he could have realistically been talking to in an empty room after all.

He shrugged.

"Unless _you've_ got any tip-offs for me?"

She crossed to the coffee machine and fiddled with the settings.

"None that you'd want."

She watched the hot water percolate.

"I could tell you how to pick questions which would trick someone into telling you what they wanted without ever remembering they'd done it, how to make intel gathering seem casual, harmless, attentive interest. I could tell you how to pick a gift, and what form of words and body languages would make it seem sincere. I could tell you how to make not having a damn clue seem innocent and eager to please."

The coffee machine finished it's cycle and she picked up the mug.

"But I'm pretty sure you're not _really_ looking for ways to manipulate Pepper into thinking you give a crap when you don't."

"Of course I'm not! I do give a…" He groaned and flopped down in a chair. "I do care."

She smiled. "Obviously. So it's not my help you need."

"So who do you suggest, exactly?"

She shrugged.

"Have you tried Barton? He's the married man here after all."

"Good point." That was hard to remember. Hard to believe almost. Tony eyed Romanoff a moment longer. She's been the perfect secret keeper over it too. There hadn't been a flicker of a hint that she'd known.

"So any idea where he is?" Tony asked.

"You'll have to be quick."

* * *

Barton, when located toting a rucksack out of the building and persuaded to stop laughing at the confession, did not, it turned out, have much useful advice, though he did lower the bag long enough to answer.

"Why don't you just ask her?"

Tony frowned. "Is that much better than just letting her go get something with the money?"

Barton look genuinely appalled. "Yes! Jeez, Stark – you haven't been..."

Tony grimaced but shrugged it off. "Asking still seems like a cheat."

Barton eyed him. "It's not a competition. And it's better than getting something completely stupid on a whim."

Tony groaned. "Okaaaayy!"

Barton relented enough to rein in his entertained grin. Slightly.

"So, um… Who else have you called in on this mission?"

Tony groaned. "Hill and Romanoff," he admitted.

The smirk was broadening again on Barton's face.

"Oh you could have sold tickets to either of those. So you're what, just cycling through every female in the compound? You tried Wanda yet?"

"God, no!" Tony put a hand over his face. He couldn't begin to imagine how he would even _start_ that conversation. Way too much carefully set-aside hurt hung between them for that.

Barton shrugged. "Well I got nothing else for you. You've really got no idea what she wants?"

"If I did don't you think I'd have bought it already?"

"Maybe it's not about buying something."

Tony whirled to glare at the latest addition to the conversation.

"Great. Now I'm being ambushed by Captain America. Please, Rogers, _please_ do share with me your extensive expertise with women."

Rogers shrugged and his mild refusal to rise to the bait only made Tony glare at him harder.

"Don't have any. But I know plenty about Christmas presents that don't come with a price tag. Didn't have a lot of choice about that."

Tony opened his mouth, halfway to a retort, ready to snarl out something something sarcastic about It's a Wonderful Life but bit it off.

"Well?" he asked grudgingly.

Rogers didn't take offence at that either.

"What are you still doing here, Tony?"

"Huh?"

"You're holding Clint up from getting out of the door, all the support staff who've got families are gone already. Why are you here?"

Tony frowned. "The search algorithm on the server was playing up and with people mostly gone seemed the best time to take it offline to find out why, and the Quinjet had that engine glitch the mechanics couldn't find and I wanted to check it wasn't anything in the mods I'd done and-"

"It's Christmas Eve."

"You think I've haven't noticed! Why do you think I'm trying to sort out this present nonsense?"

Barton shook his head. "For a clever guy, you don't half say some stupid stuff, Stark."

He re-shouldered the rucksack and stepped past the two of them. "See you after the holidays, assuming the world doesn't catch on fire in the meantime. Merry Christmas."

Rogers returned the greeting then looked back at Tony.

"Look, if even I can guess what Pepper probably wants out of this Christmas right now – you really ought to be able to."

Tony stared in the direction Barton had taken.

"FRIDAY," he said, after several thoughtful seconds. "Call ahead to the strip and have them prep the jet. Then ahead to Happy to meet me the other end. The call Pepper and put her through to my phone."

Rogers smiled.

"There we are. Knew you'd get there."

"Oh shut up."

Rogers raised both hands, still smiling and departed the scene. Tony's phone rang a moment later.

"Pep?"

"Hi, Tony. Are you on your way back?"

And if he'd had any doubt that he'd guessed right that question answered it.

"Yes. But I thought maybe… Perhaps I could just swing by. Could you be ready to go? If I did that. If we went straight somewhere?"

" _Somewhere_? You're babbling, Tony."

"I don't know where. Somewhere. We never got back to Venice? There. We could just go and… There's that gorgeous hotel and..." He hesitated. "I mean, if you wanted to. I'm trying not to- I mean, I'm not trying to make…" He ran a hand through his hair, stopped when he saw how frazzled the tiny image of himself look on the video call. "Do you want to? _What_ do you want to do for Christmas?"

And now it _was_ babble, even he could recognise it, and it didn't matter because Pepper was smiling anyway and he'd do anything in the world to keep that smile there.

"You want to go away for the holidays?"

Tony started to nod. "I want… to know what _you_ want to do. Then do that."

The split second pause was enough for him to start to wonder if asking outright was a mistake after all, but now – she was still smiling, wider if anything.

"Then let's go."

Tony grinned.

"On it already. See you soon."

He ended the call and realised he felt almost as relieved as if he's just landed unscathed from a battle. He shook his head ruefully and all but ran for the car. Heads turned among those still at the compound and he turned to call over his shoulder.

"Merry Christmas!"


End file.
